fortheloveofasub:

Online D/s Relationships - A Personal View
Some of the most common questions I receive surround online relationships between “Dominants” and “submissives,” whether they work, and how to go about having one. Before I launch into this I should preface my comments with the knowledge that I am personally in a long-distance D/s relationship that began with online interaction, grew into a real-life relationship, but that due to time and distance is sustained in-part by online interaction. So if at times I sound critical of online D/s relationships please realize that it is viewed through the lens of someone who is in one and is quite content with it. First lets examine what you can and cannot do and accomplish with online interaction.
The advantage of online interaction between a potential Dominant and submissive is that the anonymity afforded by the electronic medium allows people to open up and expose a side that might not otherwise come out in person. People seem to feel more comfortable allowing themselves to be vulnerable than they otherwise might in the perceived distance and safety of online communication. Somehow digital communication does not feel as real or as threatening as trying to approach topics of sexuality and social taboos such as Dominance and submission in person. People feel less judged.
But the anonymity that makes online D/s interaction perhaps more approachable is also its greatest pitfall. The distance and anonymity allows people, whatever their motivation, to be something other than their true selves. Whether it is outright lying about who and what they are or what their life circumstances might be, or just stretching the truth or fantasizing about how they might like to be, online interaction has an element of fantasy to it that can cloud what are perceived to be genuine interpersonal interactions. The obfuscation does not have to be maliciously intended to be deeply hurtful. So while online interaction allows us to be more open with others it also allows us to be something we are not, though perhaps unintentionally, and that hurts people.
Many in the D/s lifestyle look down their noses at online relationships in part because the preponderance of participants have no real experience in BDSM and in part because by their very nature, online D/s is more fantasy than reality. There is no doubt that online interaction between a Dominant and a submissive can be very mentally and emotionally stimulating and indeed the feelings they engender are very real. A person can indeed experience online some of the endorphin highs associated with romantic love and pornographic kink. I can also assure you that the pain of failed relationships or abusive behavior can feel every bit as real online as it does in person as well. People become very deeply emotionally invested in their online relationships and perhaps due to their fantasy nature they can take on an almost addictive quality. This is both the good and bad. One can have an intensely emotional relationship online but it can also be built on a mountain of falsehoods, misrepresentations, and the words of people who frankly do not even understand themselves.
In real life more than 80 percent of all interpersonal communication is non-verbal. We formulate opinions about others and what they are saying largely by things other than their words. In online interaction we remove 80 percent or more of our communication tools and rely only on what is being said without the benefit of tonal inflection, body language, eye contact, and other kinesthesics. Words can be misleading or deceiving, intentionally or otherwise, and it is words we have to rely on in online relationships. More than ever, words really matter here. So online relationships hold the potential for great pleasure and great pain depending on the intentions, honesty, ability and knowledge of the participants. It all comes down to character, but then being a Dominant or submissive is all about character.
Finally, we have to acknowledge that online interaction can only go so far. You can fantasize online with a D/s partner all you want about the scenes and BDSM play you might want to engage in but I assure you that telling someone how you would go at them with that particularly nasty 24-inch cowhide flogger has nothing in common with actually doing it…and especially receiving it! While you can achieve a certain level of submission and devotion through online interaction it is not the same as having a real live breathing person kneeling at your feet and the awesome responsibility carried with it. Trust me on this one. Many can talk about BDSM and pretend to do it online but when it comes to actually leaving the fantasy world and living it in person they find the intimidation to be too much. It is amazing how often I hear that a thriving online relationship comes to a screeching halt when a face-to-face meeting is planned. Being a Dominant or a submissive is both far more rewarding and far more difficult and challenging in real life than online. So let’s be honest, while there is a lot to be had in online D/s interaction, it is a fantasy experience compared to real life interaction, though I assure you that it can at times feel very, very real, both good and bad.
Online D/s is a bit like trying to have online sex really. You can talk about it all day long and even fantasize about it with another person, but nothing in that online communication can compare with the intimacy, vulnerability, sensation and yes even fumbling around of having actual sexual intercourse with a real person. In our online D/s fantasy, the rope is never too tight, limbs never go to sleep, skin is never unintentionally broken, pain is only imagined and not felt, the toys and devices always work, and the orgasms are perfectly timed and executed. Guess what folks? It aint that way in real life. It takes a lot of practice to be proficient in the arts and skills of BDSM and frankly it takes a fair amount of experience as partners together before things really click consistently. Reality is much more difficult and awkward than fantasy.
Okay so all of that said, there is not doubt that online D/s relationships can be a great deal of fun, can be very stimulating, intimate and rewarding, and can lead to a wonderful real life D/s partnership. I am living proof of that. I have never felt more intimately close to a person than I do with my Muse. So how does one go about finding someone who is capable and worthy of such an interaction, especially with so many wannabes, posers, narcissists, users, and even abusers out there? How does one ascertain that a so-called Dominant actually is dominant and not abusive and has some successful experience in the world of BDSM and D/s relationships? How does a Dominant determine that a submissive is indeed submissive and not someone who has been deeply damaged by life events and seeking love and acceptance in unhealthy ways? It is a minefield out there and because of the limitations of the online communication medium it is very difficult if not impossible to get it right the first time, or the second or third. Caution, patience, knowledge and self-awareness are keys to success.
So in evaluating would be or wannabe submissives and Dominants online my suggestion is that you think about how this dynamic might look in person. Approach this as though you were in a BDSM club or at a BDSM munch (non-play social gathering). Think about the types of people in the room and how they might behave and the cues you might use in evaluating one another as potential partners. It is quite similar online really, only a lot more difficult and time consuming to ferret out.
Lets look at finding potential Dominants. Clearly what a submissive is seeking is someone who is in control of and responsible for themselves and has the potential to project that same level of control and responsibility onto an other. A submissive seeks a trustworthy and respectable set of hands in which to place their submission. Someone who is both capable and firm, yet caring, has good social skills, and can empathize with and respect the power that might be handed to them.
So think about the kinds of Dominants that might be milling around the hypothetical social BDSM gathering. Would you go for the Dom who has all the most expensive leather attire complete with studs, body art and piercings who blusters around talking of their conquests and superior dominant abilities? Would you look to the Dominant who without preamble or prior relationship with a submissive begins ordering them around or touches them without permission? How about the Dominant who trundles his roller bag of toys and implements from submissive to submissive looking for a random play partner or unsuspecting newbie? Would you look to the Dominant who already has a collared submissive and seek to displace them or try to be another submissive in the harem? How about the Dominant who already has a submissive with them at the party but trolls around looking for more action? Or would you look to the Dominant who is chatting amiably with other Dominants and their submissives who perhaps looks at you and nods an acknowledgment without interrupting the conversation that they are already engaged in? Perhaps that subtle acknowledgement leads to a plain vanilla chat later in the party or perhaps a conversation at a future event?
In case you didn’t get it, the final answer is the correct one.
A submissive represents a significant investment of time, energy and mental effort on the part of a competent Dominant. They are not going to jump at the first person that comes along, are not going to act at the first encounter, and are definitely not going to respond favorably to a submissive who throws themselves at their feet. They know that such a submissive who kneels without knowing a Dominant will no doubt kneel for anyone. This is not worth having and a sure sign of a potential toxic relationship.
A competent and experienced Dominant will stand back and observe, assessing whether a submissive is worthy of the significant investment they would make. They know this is a long-term commitment and work to ensure that the chemistry, psychological and emotional makeup and desire is compatible, that there is indeed a spark, and that there is potential for the long haul. The method by which they do this will look rather vanilla in its approach. They will want to get to know a potential submissive, talk about all sorts of things having nothing to do with BDSM or D/s. They might even look like a vanilla friendship in the making long before any conversation turns to BDSM. They are sizing a submissive up and determining if there is a match. It takes time, patience, and repeated interaction. That is how a submissive and Dominant come to be D/s partners in real life. It should be the same online.
Looking at the other aforementioned Dominants at the hypothetical party, it is clear that one is a domineering and controlling narcissist, one has no consideration for social norms of the BDSM lifestyle or respect for submissives, one is just a player looking to get his rocks off, and the other displays no loyalty or respect for the submissive they already have, why would they respect another submissive? These are a few examples of the very same types of “Doms” commonly encountered online and ought to be avoided. You can tell them by their manner of communication with followers, other submissives, and how they present their public persona. To those who are experienced in BDSM the signs are obvious and perhaps a little obnoxious. 
Now lets look for a moment at the submissives at that same hypothetical BDSM social gathering. As a Dominant would you be attracted to a submissive who sits in the corner unable or unwilling to talk with anyone? Would you be interested in a submissive who approaches every dominant in the room seemingly physically or emotionally throwing themselves at the feet of each one? Would you look to the submissive who goes from conversation to conversation seemingly challenging the leadership or authority of each Dominant or attempting to upstage existing collared submissives in front of their Dominants? Would you be attracted to attention seeking or wallflower behaviors? Or would you look to the submissive who chats amiably and respectfully with both Dominants and submissives, who carries on intelligent conversations on both vanilla and D/s topics, appears at ease and comfortable with themselves? Perhaps that person makes eye contact a couple of times accompanied by a slight smile before bowing their head and averting their gaze.
If you missed it this time, the latter is the correct answer again.
A competent and experienced Dominant is not looking for a dishrag, play toy, sparring partner or show piece. They are looking for a healthy, independent, capable person to develop a relationship with. They want someone whose submission is of value. They want a relationship that is unique in that person’s life; they want to be the One and only One to whom that submissive would surrender. They are looking for a well-rounded and confident person who is interesting and engaging to be around. They are looking for intelligence and well-spoken interaction. They want to be impressed by the person who would kneel before them.
These are some of the hallmarks of successful interactions between would be D/s partners. The key is to forget the kink and potential play time for a while and focus on one another as people first. If someone fails to do that and jumps right to talk of kink or giving orders or promising training and collars and the like, they are suspect in my book as either a Dominant or submissive.
So how does one go about actually having an online D/s relationship? I can only share my personal experience.
The woman who eventually became my Muse approached me with a series of questions about D/s relationships to which I responded. That resulted in some additional correspondence back and forth on the topic of D/s which also strayed into some vanilla topics. The result was some ongoing messaging back and forth about life, interests, family, background, and a whole host of other non-BDSM topics. This went on for weeks and eventually became a daily correspondence. We became friends. After a month or two we eventually opened up with our identities, locations and pictures of ourselves. But at this point we were just friends who occasionally talked about fetishes and kink among all our vanilla conversations. It was a matter of months before any recognition dawned that we might actually like to pursue a D/s interaction with one another.
Once that dawning came for both of us, discussion ensued on how that might happen, how we would proceed, what that might mean. It was agreed that we would try an online Dominance and submission relationship. She physically knelt for me and asked if I would take her as my submissive to which I agreed. We began with small tasks. Things like taking pictures of herself (clothed and partially clothed initially) telling me what she sees in each that she likes most about herself and what she likes least. I would then respond with what I saw. The effort was geared toward teaching her to see herself as I see her, a beautiful and desirable woman, and for her to become more comforatable with herself and with being open and exposed emotionally and physically to me. It was an exercise in building trust.
Next we went on to sharing fantasies and fears. Eventually I had her complete a BDSM questionnaire and compared her answers to my own, openly ascertaining interests, mutual kinks and limits. Tasks were added over time including daily devotion pictures, a monthly video, learning positions and presentations, carrying out domestic tasks, etc. Often the tasks were in written form but physical tasks required verification or documentation in the form of pictures. We established a protocol of activities and behaviors governing our interaction. We corresponded daily and then hourly, then seemingly minute to minute. We became an integral part of each other’s days and nights. The tasks became more challenging over time and more sexually oriented. But underlying it all was a solid friendship and ongoing vanilla interaction that over time started to become something more. A matter of the heart.
Eventually it was determined that we needed to meet face-to-face and see if the chemistry we felt online could be translated into a real-time, real-life interaction. Our initial meeting was a success, and while it was extremely intimate it was in no way a D/s interaction. As with all things, we took our time and progressed slowly and with caution. Eventually, on future encounters with one another we began introducing more BDSM play into our intimacy and the hallmarks of a true power exchange relationship became manifest in the way we interacted, addressed one another, and went about our days. Our power exchange deepens with time, and the level of sophistication of our protocols and rituals grows with it. But everything has come slowly and methodically. We are growing together as Dominant and submissive and our bond grows ever stronger in the process.
Today my Muse wears my training collar and we are on a path of learning and training that it is hoped will lead to a permanent collar some day. But that is a long way off; not weeks or months, years. We have a hybrid relationship now, partially real-time face-to-face and partially online. Time, distance and life complications conspire to keep us in these circumstances for the foreseeable future. There is no preconceived outcome and we live each day with one another with intensity, gratitude and in the belief that we are on a permanent path together. We are loyal and devoted to one another.
That in a nutshell is how I approach online D/s interactions and some of the things I look for in a potential partner. It seems that I could write endlessly about this topic and frankly these are only a few of the high points, but I hope that it illustrates some the benefits and pitfalls of online communication and relationships. I have also written about precautions that should be taken when contemplating meeting face-to-face for the first time in an essay entitled "An Unshakeable Anger and Sadness" and recommend anyone take a look at this before actually meeting that online acquaintance for the first time.
Online D/s relationships can be intimate and exciting to the degree that they are carried out by responsible and honest people. At the same time, they should not be confused with or compared to real life BDSM interaction between healthy and caring adults. There is little comparison. However, in my experience the two can be used together as a hybrid real-time/online relationship that can be deeply rewarding and profoundly intimate. It all comes down to knowledge, character, honesty, desire, and communication ability. It is not easy, and sadly there are more wannabes than true devotees of D/s to be found, but it is possible and very worthwhile when done correctly and with integrity.
Best of luck on your own D/s journey.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive
Image Credit Unknown

fortheloveofasub:

Online D/s Relationships - A Personal View

Some of the most common questions I receive surround online relationships between “Dominants” and “submissives,” whether they work, and how to go about having one. Before I launch into this I should preface my comments with the knowledge that I am personally in a long-distance D/s relationship that began with online interaction, grew into a real-life relationship, but that due to time and distance is sustained in-part by online interaction. So if at times I sound critical of online D/s relationships please realize that it is viewed through the lens of someone who is in one and is quite content with it. First lets examine what you can and cannot do and accomplish with online interaction.

The advantage of online interaction between a potential Dominant and submissive is that the anonymity afforded by the electronic medium allows people to open up and expose a side that might not otherwise come out in person. People seem to feel more comfortable allowing themselves to be vulnerable than they otherwise might in the perceived distance and safety of online communication. Somehow digital communication does not feel as real or as threatening as trying to approach topics of sexuality and social taboos such as Dominance and submission in person. People feel less judged.

But the anonymity that makes online D/s interaction perhaps more approachable is also its greatest pitfall. The distance and anonymity allows people, whatever their motivation, to be something other than their true selves. Whether it is outright lying about who and what they are or what their life circumstances might be, or just stretching the truth or fantasizing about how they might like to be, online interaction has an element of fantasy to it that can cloud what are perceived to be genuine interpersonal interactions. The obfuscation does not have to be maliciously intended to be deeply hurtful. So while online interaction allows us to be more open with others it also allows us to be something we are not, though perhaps unintentionally, and that hurts people.

Many in the D/s lifestyle look down their noses at online relationships in part because the preponderance of participants have no real experience in BDSM and in part because by their very nature, online D/s is more fantasy than reality. There is no doubt that online interaction between a Dominant and a submissive can be very mentally and emotionally stimulating and indeed the feelings they engender are very real. A person can indeed experience online some of the endorphin highs associated with romantic love and pornographic kink. I can also assure you that the pain of failed relationships or abusive behavior can feel every bit as real online as it does in person as well. People become very deeply emotionally invested in their online relationships and perhaps due to their fantasy nature they can take on an almost addictive quality. This is both the good and bad. One can have an intensely emotional relationship online but it can also be built on a mountain of falsehoods, misrepresentations, and the words of people who frankly do not even understand themselves.

In real life more than 80 percent of all interpersonal communication is non-verbal. We formulate opinions about others and what they are saying largely by things other than their words. In online interaction we remove 80 percent or more of our communication tools and rely only on what is being said without the benefit of tonal inflection, body language, eye contact, and other kinesthesics. Words can be misleading or deceiving, intentionally or otherwise, and it is words we have to rely on in online relationships. More than ever, words really matter here. So online relationships hold the potential for great pleasure and great pain depending on the intentions, honesty, ability and knowledge of the participants. It all comes down to character, but then being a Dominant or submissive is all about character.

Finally, we have to acknowledge that online interaction can only go so far. You can fantasize online with a D/s partner all you want about the scenes and BDSM play you might want to engage in but I assure you that telling someone how you would go at them with that particularly nasty 24-inch cowhide flogger has nothing in common with actually doing it…and especially receiving it! While you can achieve a certain level of submission and devotion through online interaction it is not the same as having a real live breathing person kneeling at your feet and the awesome responsibility carried with it. Trust me on this one. Many can talk about BDSM and pretend to do it online but when it comes to actually leaving the fantasy world and living it in person they find the intimidation to be too much. It is amazing how often I hear that a thriving online relationship comes to a screeching halt when a face-to-face meeting is planned. Being a Dominant or a submissive is both far more rewarding and far more difficult and challenging in real life than online. So let’s be honest, while there is a lot to be had in online D/s interaction, it is a fantasy experience compared to real life interaction, though I assure you that it can at times feel very, very real, both good and bad.

Online D/s is a bit like trying to have online sex really. You can talk about it all day long and even fantasize about it with another person, but nothing in that online communication can compare with the intimacy, vulnerability, sensation and yes even fumbling around of having actual sexual intercourse with a real person. In our online D/s fantasy, the rope is never too tight, limbs never go to sleep, skin is never unintentionally broken, pain is only imagined and not felt, the toys and devices always work, and the orgasms are perfectly timed and executed. Guess what folks? It aint that way in real life. It takes a lot of practice to be proficient in the arts and skills of BDSM and frankly it takes a fair amount of experience as partners together before things really click consistently. Reality is much more difficult and awkward than fantasy.

Okay so all of that said, there is not doubt that online D/s relationships can be a great deal of fun, can be very stimulating, intimate and rewarding, and can lead to a wonderful real life D/s partnership. I am living proof of that. I have never felt more intimately close to a person than I do with my Muse. So how does one go about finding someone who is capable and worthy of such an interaction, especially with so many wannabes, posers, narcissists, users, and even abusers out there? How does one ascertain that a so-called Dominant actually is dominant and not abusive and has some successful experience in the world of BDSM and D/s relationships? How does a Dominant determine that a submissive is indeed submissive and not someone who has been deeply damaged by life events and seeking love and acceptance in unhealthy ways? It is a minefield out there and because of the limitations of the online communication medium it is very difficult if not impossible to get it right the first time, or the second or third. Caution, patience, knowledge and self-awareness are keys to success.

So in evaluating would be or wannabe submissives and Dominants online my suggestion is that you think about how this dynamic might look in person. Approach this as though you were in a BDSM club or at a BDSM munch (non-play social gathering). Think about the types of people in the room and how they might behave and the cues you might use in evaluating one another as potential partners. It is quite similar online really, only a lot more difficult and time consuming to ferret out.

Lets look at finding potential Dominants. Clearly what a submissive is seeking is someone who is in control of and responsible for themselves and has the potential to project that same level of control and responsibility onto an other. A submissive seeks a trustworthy and respectable set of hands in which to place their submission. Someone who is both capable and firm, yet caring, has good social skills, and can empathize with and respect the power that might be handed to them.

So think about the kinds of Dominants that might be milling around the hypothetical social BDSM gathering. Would you go for the Dom who has all the most expensive leather attire complete with studs, body art and piercings who blusters around talking of their conquests and superior dominant abilities? Would you look to the Dominant who without preamble or prior relationship with a submissive begins ordering them around or touches them without permission? How about the Dominant who trundles his roller bag of toys and implements from submissive to submissive looking for a random play partner or unsuspecting newbie? Would you look to the Dominant who already has a collared submissive and seek to displace them or try to be another submissive in the harem? How about the Dominant who already has a submissive with them at the party but trolls around looking for more action? Or would you look to the Dominant who is chatting amiably with other Dominants and their submissives who perhaps looks at you and nods an acknowledgment without interrupting the conversation that they are already engaged in? Perhaps that subtle acknowledgement leads to a plain vanilla chat later in the party or perhaps a conversation at a future event?

In case you didn’t get it, the final answer is the correct one.

A submissive represents a significant investment of time, energy and mental effort on the part of a competent Dominant. They are not going to jump at the first person that comes along, are not going to act at the first encounter, and are definitely not going to respond favorably to a submissive who throws themselves at their feet. They know that such a submissive who kneels without knowing a Dominant will no doubt kneel for anyone. This is not worth having and a sure sign of a potential toxic relationship.

A competent and experienced Dominant will stand back and observe, assessing whether a submissive is worthy of the significant investment they would make. They know this is a long-term commitment and work to ensure that the chemistry, psychological and emotional makeup and desire is compatible, that there is indeed a spark, and that there is potential for the long haul. The method by which they do this will look rather vanilla in its approach. They will want to get to know a potential submissive, talk about all sorts of things having nothing to do with BDSM or D/s. They might even look like a vanilla friendship in the making long before any conversation turns to BDSM. They are sizing a submissive up and determining if there is a match. It takes time, patience, and repeated interaction. That is how a submissive and Dominant come to be D/s partners in real life. It should be the same online.

Looking at the other aforementioned Dominants at the hypothetical party, it is clear that one is a domineering and controlling narcissist, one has no consideration for social norms of the BDSM lifestyle or respect for submissives, one is just a player looking to get his rocks off, and the other displays no loyalty or respect for the submissive they already have, why would they respect another submissive? These are a few examples of the very same types of “Doms” commonly encountered online and ought to be avoided. You can tell them by their manner of communication with followers, other submissives, and how they present their public persona. To those who are experienced in BDSM the signs are obvious and perhaps a little obnoxious. 

Now lets look for a moment at the submissives at that same hypothetical BDSM social gathering. As a Dominant would you be attracted to a submissive who sits in the corner unable or unwilling to talk with anyone? Would you be interested in a submissive who approaches every dominant in the room seemingly physically or emotionally throwing themselves at the feet of each one? Would you look to the submissive who goes from conversation to conversation seemingly challenging the leadership or authority of each Dominant or attempting to upstage existing collared submissives in front of their Dominants? Would you be attracted to attention seeking or wallflower behaviors? Or would you look to the submissive who chats amiably and respectfully with both Dominants and submissives, who carries on intelligent conversations on both vanilla and D/s topics, appears at ease and comfortable with themselves? Perhaps that person makes eye contact a couple of times accompanied by a slight smile before bowing their head and averting their gaze.

If you missed it this time, the latter is the correct answer again.

A competent and experienced Dominant is not looking for a dishrag, play toy, sparring partner or show piece. They are looking for a healthy, independent, capable person to develop a relationship with. They want someone whose submission is of value. They want a relationship that is unique in that person’s life; they want to be the One and only One to whom that submissive would surrender. They are looking for a well-rounded and confident person who is interesting and engaging to be around. They are looking for intelligence and well-spoken interaction. They want to be impressed by the person who would kneel before them.

These are some of the hallmarks of successful interactions between would be D/s partners. The key is to forget the kink and potential play time for a while and focus on one another as people first. If someone fails to do that and jumps right to talk of kink or giving orders or promising training and collars and the like, they are suspect in my book as either a Dominant or submissive.

So how does one go about actually having an online D/s relationship? I can only share my personal experience.

The woman who eventually became my Muse approached me with a series of questions about D/s relationships to which I responded. That resulted in some additional correspondence back and forth on the topic of D/s which also strayed into some vanilla topics. The result was some ongoing messaging back and forth about life, interests, family, background, and a whole host of other non-BDSM topics. This went on for weeks and eventually became a daily correspondence. We became friends. After a month or two we eventually opened up with our identities, locations and pictures of ourselves. But at this point we were just friends who occasionally talked about fetishes and kink among all our vanilla conversations. It was a matter of months before any recognition dawned that we might actually like to pursue a D/s interaction with one another.

Once that dawning came for both of us, discussion ensued on how that might happen, how we would proceed, what that might mean. It was agreed that we would try an online Dominance and submission relationship. She physically knelt for me and asked if I would take her as my submissive to which I agreed. We began with small tasks. Things like taking pictures of herself (clothed and partially clothed initially) telling me what she sees in each that she likes most about herself and what she likes least. I would then respond with what I saw. The effort was geared toward teaching her to see herself as I see her, a beautiful and desirable woman, and for her to become more comforatable with herself and with being open and exposed emotionally and physically to me. It was an exercise in building trust.

Next we went on to sharing fantasies and fears. Eventually I had her complete a BDSM questionnaire and compared her answers to my own, openly ascertaining interests, mutual kinks and limits. Tasks were added over time including daily devotion pictures, a monthly video, learning positions and presentations, carrying out domestic tasks, etc. Often the tasks were in written form but physical tasks required verification or documentation in the form of pictures. We established a protocol of activities and behaviors governing our interaction. We corresponded daily and then hourly, then seemingly minute to minute. We became an integral part of each other’s days and nights. The tasks became more challenging over time and more sexually oriented. But underlying it all was a solid friendship and ongoing vanilla interaction that over time started to become something more. A matter of the heart.

Eventually it was determined that we needed to meet face-to-face and see if the chemistry we felt online could be translated into a real-time, real-life interaction. Our initial meeting was a success, and while it was extremely intimate it was in no way a D/s interaction. As with all things, we took our time and progressed slowly and with caution. Eventually, on future encounters with one another we began introducing more BDSM play into our intimacy and the hallmarks of a true power exchange relationship became manifest in the way we interacted, addressed one another, and went about our days. Our power exchange deepens with time, and the level of sophistication of our protocols and rituals grows with it. But everything has come slowly and methodically. We are growing together as Dominant and submissive and our bond grows ever stronger in the process.

Today my Muse wears my training collar and we are on a path of learning and training that it is hoped will lead to a permanent collar some day. But that is a long way off; not weeks or months, years. We have a hybrid relationship now, partially real-time face-to-face and partially online. Time, distance and life complications conspire to keep us in these circumstances for the foreseeable future. There is no preconceived outcome and we live each day with one another with intensity, gratitude and in the belief that we are on a permanent path together. We are loyal and devoted to one another.

That in a nutshell is how I approach online D/s interactions and some of the things I look for in a potential partner. It seems that I could write endlessly about this topic and frankly these are only a few of the high points, but I hope that it illustrates some the benefits and pitfalls of online communication and relationships. I have also written about precautions that should be taken when contemplating meeting face-to-face for the first time in an essay entitled "An Unshakeable Anger and Sadness" and recommend anyone take a look at this before actually meeting that online acquaintance for the first time.

Online D/s relationships can be intimate and exciting to the degree that they are carried out by responsible and honest people. At the same time, they should not be confused with or compared to real life BDSM interaction between healthy and caring adults. There is little comparison. However, in my experience the two can be used together as a hybrid real-time/online relationship that can be deeply rewarding and profoundly intimate. It all comes down to knowledge, character, honesty, desire, and communication ability. It is not easy, and sadly there are more wannabes than true devotees of D/s to be found, but it is possible and very worthwhile when done correctly and with integrity.

Best of luck on your own D/s journey.

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive

Image Credit Unknown

Slave and Submission

A submissive explores the piquant terrain of the surrendering of power. It is not surprising that folks engaged in D/s often spend a fair amount of energy determining what are the appropriate bounds of submission and control to incorporate into their play. For those for whom this kind of power exchange is a lifestyle expression, the scope of dominance and submission excercised may be quite extensive.

Into this mix then often comes the tricky word of “slave” – a concept which never fails to muddy the water, especially in discussions on the internet or among kinksters with limited D/s experience. While some people insist that the word “slave”, like the word “submissive”, can mean to the individual anything they want it to mean, it is neverthless a fact of the established and more experienced leather community that slavery in an M/s sense of the word has specific connotations, and that slavery differs from submission in significant ways. I want to explore those differences here and illustrate why I believe that a submissive and a slave are two entirely different creatures, as unlike as apples and oranges.

Definitions

To start this conversation I will offer a definition of submissive and slave first put forth by Steven Davis on the old alt.sex.bondage newsgroup on Usenet in 1995, paraphrased here with permission. (Also, when speaking of D/s which is a gender-neutral endeavor, I tend to use the gender neutral pronouns of sie and hir in my discussion. I write for an audience that spans many orientations and I find it helps avoid the pattern of thinking of D/s as happening in any one set of gender configurations). That said:

A submissive renews the choice to submit every time a demand is levied upon her. A slave makes a one-time choice to submit, up front, and thereafter it is incumbent upon her to obey.

A Submissive’s Mantra (from a Slave who served me along the way )

i will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits, and experience. i realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my Master and i from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm.

i will try not to manipulate my Master. i will not push to make a scene go the way i feel it should

i will keep an open mind about trying things that i am not comfortable with and expanding my limits. i will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being.

i will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires.

i will not allow myself to be harmed and abused. i know that submissive does not equal doormat.

i will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissives. i will share my knowledge and experience with others in the hope that they will learn and benefit from where i have been. i will take the time to help those who are new to start out on the correct path.

i will be responsive to my Master. i will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that i may assist Him in His responsibilities as my authority. i know that Dominants are not telepaths, and will not expect my Master to know thoughts or feelings which i do not share.

i will accept in the responsibility of a scene or a relationship gone bad. i will not place total blame on my Master when it is not warranted simply because He is the Dominant. i realize that things may not work out as they should sometimes, and will do my best to put it behind me and move on

i will give my gift of submission only to Those that can responsibly accept and desire to receive. i will not place anyone in the position of controlling me non-consensually, nor will i give my respect to someone that has not earned it.

i know that D/s is not a contest, and will never think myself a “better” submissive because i choose to submit on a different level than another. i will not be boastful of my experiences.

i will be obedient to my Master even if i disagree with what He is requesting. i realize He has my best interests at heart and often knows better than i what i need in a particular situation. i know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see Him in a positive way. i will not intentionally embarrass or displease Him.

Above all, will wear my title of submissive with honor. i will never cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or sub-human. i will take pride in who and what i am and will never show myself in a negative way.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” 
― Maya Angelou,

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”
― Maya Angelou,

to all my dear folowers on tumblr and those who have the courage to send me a note or email me on Yahoo on my email account


so here is my take on it all…
my main commen..do not play some silly coy game of subtle inneundo and
obscure flirty commentary
be clear if you have gone through the pre filtraation process on your emaiing strategy

and whatever other baggage filters you have
then just be clear and tell the guy or girl what you want to happen based on the email you send
do not leave this to the other person to decipher please
life and choices are many’
seize the day
and on that note..

Don’t exist.
Live.
Get out, explore…find someone onlive who jazzes you tell him/her
Thrive.
Challenge authority. Challenge yourself.
Evolve.
Change forever.
Become who you say you always will. Keep moving. Don’t stop. Start the revolution. Become a freedom fighter. Become a superhero. Just because everyone doesn’t know your name doesn’t mean you dont matter.
Ask yourself tonight on tumblr…Are you happy? Have you ever been happy? What have you done today to matter? Did you exist or did you live? How did you thrive?
Become a chameleon-fit in anywhere. Be a rockstar-stand out everywhere. Do nothing, do everything. Forget everything, remember everyone. Care, don’t just pretend to. Listen to everyone. Love everyone and nothing at the same time. Its impossible to be everything,but you can’t stop trying to do it all.

It’s time to be aggressive. You’ve started to speak your mind, now keep going with it, but not with the intention of sparking controversy or picking a germane fight. Get your gloves on, it’s time for rebirth. There IS no room for the nice guys in the history books.

Live your life the coolest thing in the world is that the internet allows this generation to find yiur soul mate not in your home town or college but anywhere in the world ..so what are you waiting for? THIS IS THE START OF A REVOLUTION. THE REVOLUTION IS YOUR LIFE. THE GOAL IS YOUR LONG TERM HAPPINESS………………. TAKE NO PRISONERS. HOLD NO SOUL UNACCOUNTABLE, ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR OWN. IF SOMETHING DOESN’T HAPPEN, IT’S YOUR FAULT.
Make this moment your reckoning. Your head has been held under water for too long and now it is time to rise up and take your first true breath.
Do everything with exact calculation, nothing without meaning. Do not make careful your words, but make no excuses for what you say. Fuck em’ all. Set a goal for everyday and never be tired. till you fnd the one who is meant to be yours..then all I ask in return is that you circle back and send me an email and tell me about your happy ever after story..deal?

I am a dominant with a deep romatic streak so that appeals to me

Happy Labor Day Weekend
Sir Erospainter

so yes like all of us I try to compartmentalize my life will post my rules from time to time today here is one of my top ten rules…hang out with me in time you can collect the whole set..lol

Rule…2….You’ll get older but not necessarily wiser

There is an assumption if you listen to the media, look at all the great quotes around wisdom, see the reverence certain cultures have for the elders, that as we get older we will get wiser, but this is not true I am afraid. The real rule of life is we carry on being just as clueless, still make plenty of mistakes. It is just that we make new ones, different ones, more textured ones. We do learn from experience and may not make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new world of fresh ones just lying around in wait for us to mess up and fall into. The secret is to accept this and not beat yourself up when you do make new ones. The Rule I guess is really this: Be kind to yourself when you do mess things up. Be forgiving and accept that it’s all part of the growing older but no wiser routine.

Looking back, we can always see the mistakes we made but we fail to see the new ones looming up. Wisdom isn’t about not making mistakes , but learning to escape afterward with our dignity and sanity intact.

When we are young, aging seems to be something that happens to, well, old people. But it does happen to us all and we have no choice but to embrace it and roll with it. Whatever we do and however we are, the fact is we are going to get older..don’t you hate when that happens…lol. And this aging process does seem to speed up as we get older.

You can look at it this way-the older you get, the more areas you’ve covered to make mistakes in There will always be new areas of experience where we have no guidelines and where we’ll handle things badly, overreact, get it wrong. And the more flexible we are, the more adventurous, the more life-enhancing, then the more new avenues there will be to explore-and to make mistakes in-of course…lol

As long as we look back and see where we went wrong and resolve not to repeat such mistakes, there is little else we need to do. Remember that this rule of wisdom also applies to everyone around you. They are getting older too. And not any wiser particularly I might add. Once you accept this, you’ll be more forgiving and kinder toward yourself and others.

Finally, yes time does heal, and things do get better as you get older. After all, the more mistakes you’ve made, the less likely that you’ll come up with new ones. The best thing I that if you get a lot of your mistakes over and done with early in life, there will be less to learn the hard way later on. And that is what youth is all about, a chance to make all the mistakes you can and get them out of the way.

Peace
Sir Erospainter

Love this brillant she was if you are to old or young google this way to wise woman
and you will get a crash course in life  and living in reading her brillant mind and wonderdul books she published
=================

"If I had my life to live over…

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life to live over would I change anything.

My answer was no, but then I thought about it and changed my mind.

If I had my life to live over again I would have waxed less and listened more.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I’d have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten popcorn in the “good” living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.

I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television … and more while watching real life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband which I took for granted.

I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the Earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for a day.

I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical/wouldn’t show soil/ guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now, go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more I love yous … more I’m sorrys … more I’m listenings … but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it … look at it and really see it … try it on … live it … exhaust it … and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.” 
— Erma Bombeck (Eat Less Cottage Cheese and More Ice Cream: Thoughts on Life from Erma Bombeck)

Love this brillant she was if you are to old or young google this way to wise woman
and you will get a crash course in life and living in reading her brillant mind and wonderdul books she published
=================

"If I had my life to live over…

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life to live over would I change anything.

My answer was no, but then I thought about it and changed my mind.

If I had my life to live over again I would have waxed less and listened more.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I’d have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten popcorn in the “good” living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.

I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television … and more while watching real life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband which I took for granted.

I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the Earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for a day.

I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical/wouldn’t show soil/ guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now, go get washed up for dinner.”

There would have been more I love yous … more I’m sorrys … more I’m listenings … but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it … look at it and really see it … try it on … live it … exhaust it … and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.”
— Erma Bombeck (Eat Less Cottage Cheese and More Ice Cream: Thoughts on Life from Erma Bombeck)

"But he who dares not grasp the thorn 
Should never crave the rose.” 
— Anne Brontë

"But he who dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.”
— Anne Brontë

"Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it." 
— Ray Bradbury

"Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it."
— Ray Bradbury

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself." 
— Harvey Fierstein

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself."
— Harvey Fierstein

"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself." 
— Mark Twain

"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."
— Mark Twain

“You can’t do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.”
― H.L. Mencken

When you are walking down the road in Bali and your pass a stranger, the very first question he or she will ask you is, “Where are you going?” The second question is, “Where are you coming from?” To a Westerner, this can seem like a rather invasive inquiry from a perfect stranger, but they’re just trying to get an orientation on you, trying to insert you into the grid for the purposes of security and comfort. If you tell them that you don’t know where you’re going, or that you’re just wandering about randomly, you might instigate a bit of distress in the heart of your new Balinese friend. It’s far better to pick some kind of specific direction — anywhere — just so everybody feels better.

The third question a Balinese will almost certainly ask you is, “Are you married?” Again, it’s a positioning and orienting inquiry. It’s necessary for them to know this, to make sure that you are completely in order in your life. They really want you to say yes. it’s such a relief to them when you say yes. If you’re single, it’s better not to say so directly. And I really recommend that you not mention your divorce at all, if you happen to have had one. It just makes the Balinese so worried. The only thing your solitude proves to them is your perilous dislocation from the grid. If you are a single woman traveling through Bali and somebody asks you, “Are you married?” the best possible answer is: “Not yet.” This is a polite way of saying, “No,” while indicating your optimistic intentions to get that taken care of just as soon as you can.

Even if you are eighty years old, or a lesbian, or a strident feminist, or a nun, or an eighty-year-old strident feminist lesbian nun who has never been married and never intends to get married, the politest possible answer is still: “Not yet.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Lov

When you are walking down the road in Bali and your pass a stranger, the very first question he or she will ask you is, “Where are you going?” The second question is, “Where are you coming from?” To a Westerner, this can seem like a rather invasive inquiry from a perfect stranger, but they’re just trying to get an orientation on you, trying to insert you into the grid for the purposes of security and comfort. If you tell them that you don’t know where you’re going, or that you’re just wandering about randomly, you might instigate a bit of distress in the heart of your new Balinese friend. It’s far better to pick some kind of specific direction — anywhere — just so everybody feels better.

The third question a Balinese will almost certainly ask you is, “Are you married?” Again, it’s a positioning and orienting inquiry. It’s necessary for them to know this, to make sure that you are completely in order in your life. They really want you to say yes. it’s such a relief to them when you say yes. If you’re single, it’s better not to say so directly. And I really recommend that you not mention your divorce at all, if you happen to have had one. It just makes the Balinese so worried. The only thing your solitude proves to them is your perilous dislocation from the grid. If you are a single woman traveling through Bali and somebody asks you, “Are you married?” the best possible answer is: “Not yet.” This is a polite way of saying, “No,” while indicating your optimistic intentions to get that taken care of just as soon as you can.

Even if you are eighty years old, or a lesbian, or a strident feminist, or a nun, or an eighty-year-old strident feminist lesbian nun who has never been married and never intends to get married, the politest possible answer is still: “Not yet.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Lov

“With languages, you are at home anywhere.”

Erospainter..on the subject of Travel
so I have a job in the aviation industry gives me the blessing of travel around the world
and will tell you this..travel will humble you..make you rethink your life and realize if you live in the US how damned blessed..insulated…and culturally clueless and protected we are…when I travel I do not ever go to the tourist places’having grown up overseas I have more of a feisty spirit I am more open to adventure..ask the locals to take me to where you live..laugh and drink…that is how you can taste the soul of a country..get drunk on their psyche

so…Travel does this: it creates space that allows thoughts and memories to intrude and assert themselves with impunity. Smells and sights, the quality of light, the smile of a local - can all act as touchstones when least expected.„„my recommendation buy Fodor travel guide as a certain security blanket but if you have a restless soul like mine be wanton and wander..some pictures of my recent trips this year in Europe…south american and South Africa
Peace
Sir Erospainter